


I am the light a million miles away

by starsandkisses



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016), Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars: Rebellion Era - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, F/M, Mentions of chronic pain, Pining, Post-Star Wars: A New Hope, no age gap: leia has been aged to be the same age as Cassian
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-02-17
Packaged: 2019-10-30 10:09:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17826695
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starsandkisses/pseuds/starsandkisses
Summary: Her love is a comet. Rare and beautiful and a harbinger of danger.Cassian loves her anyway.





	I am the light a million miles away

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Pontmercyingtilthecowscomehome](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Pontmercyingtilthecowscomehome/gifts).



To Cassian, her love is a comet orbiting his planet. Once, and then not again for a long time. Bright and sudden and yet, a harbinger of dread, at least as far as superstition goes.

Because when her comet appears in his sky, bright, wild, burning, he knows danger is soon to follow. There is nothing as beautiful as her smile, right before she asks another impossible task of him.

  
Because she is the Rebellion and he has pledged his life to the cause.

But she is also Leia, and he has pledged his heart to only her.

 

A foolish vow, blurted out before another dangerous mission. One that he rather thought would be his last. He knows his odds of success each mission, stated plainly by Kay each time. And he knows, in his own heart, the deep and deeper marks left by each mission inside him. But they need to learn about this super weapon. He needs to go to Kafrene. One more mission. She asks him to go, while they are together, there in the vast mission briefing room, surrendered by the other leaders of the Rebellion.

 

But she’ll beg him, when they’re alone, tucked away in a tiny alcove, to stay. Please. Stay.

She is the Rebellion and she is so brave

But she is also Leia and she is allowed to be scared.

 

Cassian kisses her forehead, her lips, the tears staining her cheek. Never more than that. Not now. Not with the timing, with the war, with their stations between them. Someday, they tell each other, though neither one is sure the other believes it to be true. Someday, this tiny fragile thing will blossom in the open air.

 

One day soon, perhaps, she whispers to him. Because she plans to go back to Alderaan. To petition to marry not only a commoner, but a man from the Outer Rim, a former Separatist, an arson and disadent, a man who owns nothing. And those, he thinks are the flaws that the people of Alderaan are  _ allowed _ to know. There are so many more terrible things he’s done in the name of such noble causes.She knows. 

 

She is the Rebellion and understands why their fight must be dark and dangerous and subtle.

She is Leia and still pines for a more peaceful resolution to this war, written as a treaty and not in blood.

 

But stil. There is another mission to undertake, and so, he leaves, one last kiss lingering between them. It’s just one more mission, he tells himself. 

 

One that should have been his last.

One that still haunts him, as if the transport had never come in time, as if they’d never escaped, and all of these moments are but the flashes of a fevered dream before the end.

 

Cassian doesn’t think that’s true. His body hurts too much for it to be true. But as he heals, slowly, feels every pain over and over, the droids around him desperately working to repair his back, his arm, his body, he knows he must be alive. Surviving, he thinks, is more painful than surrender. 

 

But he has to survive, for the Rebellion and for Leia.

 

Except, his comet is gone. Captured, they whisper. On the Death Star. Her planet gone. Destroyed, they whisper. Careful he doesn’t hear them. Except Cassian is a spy and he has trained long to hear what is whispered. He is a spy and he failed to get the plans to her in time to save her own planet.

 

She is the Rebellion and she has sent hope to her army, to all of them.

She is Leia and there is nothing the Rebellion can do to save her.

 

This time when the droid comes to put him in bacta, he fights back. Desperate to reach her. To save her as she has saved him so many times. But his body is broken, now, slowly healing, but so weak. His punches land like feathers, his snarl barely audible. His eyelids slide closed, and he sleeps.

 

While he sleeps, he dreams of his mission and of Rogue One and always of her. He thinks Jyn will like her. He knows Bodhi will.  He wants to tell his friends he too has love like they do, he knows what it’s like to hope and hope and hope for one more kiss, one more moment together. He wants to tell them, now, because he can, how much she means to him. But he can’t move his limbs, can’t even wake from this fevered dream. 

 

Dimly, he’s aware, one day, that they are moving him. Transporting the narrow cot onto a ship. He tries to bark out questions but his lips only find Festian and the Med Staff cannot answer him. They reassure him that he’ll be safe, but how can he be safe when he has failed the Rebellion and failed Leia?

 

When Cassian wakes next, his vision is finally, finally clear. The pain has subsided back into something that allows semi-coherent thoughts. Or it would, until he sees a woman in white in the far corner of the room. Leia. She’s orbited back to him. She’s there. Standing inside the medbay, but so far from him.

 

Had he ever touched her soft skin? Ran his fingers through her long dark hair? Kissed those soft lips, so capable of saying brilliant or devastating things?

 

Cassian thinks he must have.

 

But it’s hard to think, with the painkillers and the pain and the memories all fighting for his awareness. She walks closer. He scans her face, her gait, all of her, looking for any marks the Empire left on her. Hatred is a warm bloom inside him, a rage he knows to bank for the time he’ll be fighting again. Because he will fight until the day he dies. For her, and for the Rebellion.

 

Leia perches on the end of the bed.  He pushes himself up onto an elbow. “I’m sorry,” he whispers. “That i couldn’t rescue you myself.”

 

She smiles. Her hand is gentle as she cups his cheek. “I know the feeling.”

 

“We got you the plans.”

 

“You did.” Leia’s kiss on his forehead is as bright as sunlight on snow. “And the Death Star is gone.”

 

He lets out one deep, shuddering sigh of relief. But Leia’s lips pinch together for a moment.She looks away. Now it’s his turn to reach out, to touch her cheek, to feel the tears there, the sadness she never lets anyone else see. He finds his words slowly. “But so is Alderaan.”

 

Leia nods, once.

 

“They will not be forgotten.”

 

“Cassian,” she starts, his name a rare offering. “I… I miss them terribly.”

 

From the way she says the words, and from the way she is, he knows this is the first time she has spoken of her grief, to anyone. “Let me hold you?” he offers. 

 

Leia accepts, sliding into his bandaged arms, careful of his broken ribs when she wraps her arms around him. He sighs softly. “What are you most scared of?”

 

“I was scared,” she begins, her fingers running down his back. “I thought I’d never have a place that was mine again. That all I am now is the Rebellion, its hope, its face, its symbol.”

 

“And now?”

 

“I know that, here, I am yours.”

 

“Always,” he promises. Kisses the top of her head, breathing in her perfume, more expensive than the sum of all he’s ever owned, and the ozone of blaster fire, the scent he knows better than any other. She is rare and she is dangerous and she is his. “I… I can’t be only yours in return.” 

 

“I know.” She leans up to give him a kiss. “The Rebellion stole your heart first.”

 

“But,” he begins, his heart ticking hard, a bomb waiting to go off. “If you will be the Rebellion’s hope, then let me be your own. Let me believe in you, as Leia, as my love as well as my leader. When the time is right… let me be all yous.”

 

“When the time is right,” she agrees, “but also, for right now.” Her head rests against his chest once more, all the tension sliding out of her body as she falls asleep. The comet, he thinks, has finally come home to rest. 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you love it! Comments are very welcomed!


End file.
